A special thanks to my super handsome and amazing husband, Seth, for sharing his wisdom with us. Ladies, I recommend sharing this with your husbands!
1. You have to REPRIORITIZE.
If you are (re)married, the relationship hierarchy should be 1) God, 2) Wife 3) Kids. Men, keep in mind that everyone has a seat at the table, but it’s up to you to make sure everyone sits in their appropriate place. It may feel counterintuitive at first, but your wife deserves to be your number one priority and your children deserve to know what a healthy marriage and family looks like.
2. Stop revolving your life around your KIDS.
Consistency and routine make everyone feel safe, especially kids who travel back and forth between two different homes with two different ways of doing things. Normal everyday life shouldn’t be put on hold just because your kids are there. They need structure, not constant entertainment. Continue to do date night on Fridays, laundry on Saturdays and church on Sundays. Carry on with whatever normal life is for your family and know that it’s OK for your kids to experience boredom and disappointment sometimes.
3. Set strong BOUNDARIES.
Remember that co-parenting is a business relationship. There is no reason to communicate with your ex unless it’s something important about the shared child. Conversations should be short, respectful and to the point. For high conflict situations, parallel parenting may be the best option and boundaries should be even stronger. Contact should be as limited as possible and there are several third-party communication tools that can help make this happen. For some of you, setting stronger boundaries may mean being “the bad guy,” whether its in the eyes of the ex, friends or even family. But that’s okay, because you are only here to do right by God and nobody else.
4. You need to be a FATHER.
Just because you are no longer in a relationship with their mother, does not mean that you get to stop being a father. Your kids don’t need a best friend or a party pal. They need a parent to teach, discipline and guide them. Your job is not to make your children like you. Your job is to raise a decent human being that will be a functional and respectful member of society one day.
5. STOP expecting perfection.
Come to terms with the fact that this is not the marriage or family your wife dreamed of growing up. While you may hope that your new partner is the piece of the puzzle you’ve been missing, you have to be prepared to accept that this new arrangement will be a HUGE adjustment for everyone involved. Know that your blended family cannot and will not operate as a normal family and it may take years for your family to establish a “new normal.”
Men, never give up. God created marriage and family to succeed and yours is not the exception.
-Seth
Rachel is the founder of Spiritual Stepmom, and the proud wife of the most handsome, kindest man on planet earth, a mommy to two beautiful baby boys (one and four years-old) and a stepmom to one beautiful eleven year-old girl!
She is a stay-at-home mom and business owner with a passion for Jesus, yoga, holistic health and psychology. She is also in the process of getting her Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling and has dedicated her life to helping other stepmoms and blended families!
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