Picture this, it’s the first day of school, pre-pandemic: my husband, myself and his ex-wife are walking our stepson to his first-grade classroom. Sounds sweet, I know.  To add to this picture, it is important to know that I am about eight months pregnant, with my first biological, and his ex-wife is about 6.5 months pregnant, with her new husband.  I looked at the three of us walking down the hall and I whispered, giggling to my husband, “Look at us. We look like sister wives”.  He laughed and turned a little red. I still giggle when I think about that moment. I’m not sure what the teacher thought at that time, but I’m sure they’ve seen everything, so it was no big deal to them. God Bless teachers!

 

Now I have been married and a stepmom before and during those years I was never allowed to be part of any of the kids’ special moments; first day of school, student conferences, trick or treating, etc.  So, for me, this was pretty amazing that I got to part of a first day of school drop off. I loved every single moment of it and honestly, I think, my husband felt more awkward than anyone else.  I felt honored and had a memorable time, but as usual probably talked too much.

 

Why am I telling you this funny little story?  Well, it’s back to school time, whether we are ready or not, and as a stepparent, there are a lot of unknowns that come along with it. Some of these unknowns may include questions like: 

 

When is the first day of school?

 

Who’s taking them to school?

 

Who’s picking them up?

 

What supplies do we need?

 

What school clothes do they need?

 

Who’s paying for what?

 

Who’s their teacher?

 

Am I on the email list?

(What about emergency contact?)

 

Does the teacher know I exist?

 

Will I be copied on all correspondence?

 

I’m sure I could list many more questions that randomly float around in my head, but that’s the point, there are so many questions that often have very few answers for the non-biological parent.

 

I know I am making a generalization, but moms (and that includes stepmoms) are usually the caregivers in a home.  With that, they usually do most of the shopping and purchases for the home and family. So, when school comes around, most stepmoms wonder: Where’s my place?  What do I need to do?

 

I am the last person to say that I have all the answers as a stepmom, but from my experiences as a stepmom to school age children times four, I’ve learned a few things.

 

Here are my words of wisdom as a stepmom: 

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1. Communicate with your significant other.  

 

Your significant other is the legal parent and it is their responsibility to communicate with their former spouse.  In some mom/stepmom relationships it’s not that complicated but in others, there are high-conflict individuals to reckon with. And whatever the outcome of the communication is, I hope the legal parent gets it in writing.  This will prevent misunderstandings in the future or just pure forgetfulness, which we are all guilty of.

 

I, as a stepmom, have the luxury of being able to text my bonus kids’ biological mother anytime I have a question.  I have learned that going through my husband for the little things just overcomplicates simple needs.  I am also very lucky to truly like her as a person.

 

2. Create a budget.  

 

With prices increasing in stores, make sure you know what your family needs.  Make a list and stick to it. It can be easy to get sucked into a store’s marketing (I am extremely guilty of that) but ultimately what’s on the list is really all that is needed.  Kids don’t remember the fun pencil pouches and special erasers.  Kids remember the excitement and anticipation of school, and the peace at both homes ultimately. Focus on the needs and not the wants.

 

 

3. As a Family communicate the game plan with the kids.

 

I’ve always felt it important to communicate the game plan as a family, especially when the kids are young and they actually pay attention to you.  This includes parental schedules, extracurricular activities, doctor appointments and special one-offs. When kids know that both sets of parents are working as a team, that is coparenting at its finest, and can bring a sense of relief to the children involved.

 

And realistically, as kids get older, generally in their teen years, it can be hard to get them involved and listening to the plan.  When this begins happening, having the entire family unit present encourages participation and acknowledgement.

 

 

4. Don’t be offended or jealous.  

 

I know that is easier said than done but for the children’s sake, and sometimes yours, please try.  This is your kid’s time to shine.  Our egos need to take a backseat, especially on their first day. 

 

The first time I was not allowed to take my stepdaughter to her first day of school, it broke my heart.  But I quickly learned that there are two sides to every story. My stepdaughter’s mom deserved to take have that first. She IS her mom.

 

Back to school is both exciting and stressful for all involved, especially for the kids.  Don’t let your ego get in the way of the kid’s special day.

 

 

5. Celebrate every little win.

 

Whether you are taking your stepson to his first day or not, celebrate with them! You can do this by sending a text, wishing them good luck before they leave, cooking a special dinner for them or maybe just say a little prayer. Celebrate their big day because that’s what it is, their day!

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